... so how are things?

Well, pick a day from the last six months and you may hear anything from "wonderful" to "hellish". Today? What is worse than hellish?

Bleak. Very bleak.

Facial surgery time is coming fast... We had planned on doing it this spring, and are going in for a consult in less than a month. So how is the money situation? Well, basically I have $4000 saved up for what will likely be a $40,000 surgery. Ans the financing I was planning on getting through the surgeon? Yeah, they dont do that anymore... You know how lenders are these days...

We were planning on Anna getting a second job this winter to save up a bundle, but she is facing some awful discrimination at her job right now, and we dont even know if she is going to have ONE job this winter, let alone two. I feel terrible because she is inconsolable about her job and the fucked up shit that is happening, and I keep wanting to point out to her that this shit happens to SO MANY people. I know that wont make it feel any less shitty, but it is true, and I hate this world for that reason and many others.

And my job? Well, I am doing okay in that I am making decent money, but I am working twice the hours I used to in order to make it. And I am in a very seasonal business, so any day now things are going to go downhill. Commissioned sales is not the lark it used to be...

Would money solve all my problems? Um, yes, actually it probably would. Anna has had little glimmers of self esteem this summer. She smiles more now that her teeth are fixed, she has a full A cup that is simultaneously her pride and her greatest embarrassment. We had sex 3 times in a month, which may not seem like much, but it is the most we have had in a single month in a year I think. But every time something nice seems to be happening, reality crushes it with another shitty something-or-other.

I knew long ago that I would be he optimist in this relationship, but I think I am running out. Some drama with a mutual pair of friends (incredibly, completely non-trans-related) has really tested our relationship over the summer, and I dont think we have come out unscathed. I have had to turn my back on a very good friend to please Anna, and while that friend could have many times done things to fix the situation, she chose not to, and I was forced to choose between her and Anna. It hangs between us like a bad smell.

And I am isolated. That friend was the only one I had who would "make the first move", by which I mean call me and hang out with me without any particular reason. I am so lonely. Anna is depressed and I dont think she wants me around, but even if she does I am miserable and it brings her even farther down. I worry that she is not far from suicidal, and then I feel guilty for thinking it, for doubting her strength.

Therapy would be nice but I cant afford it. And it wouldnt solve anything.

I need to get a work-from-home job to make extra cash this winter. Does anyone know of one that isn't a scam?

I STILL have no job. All I want to do is make $12-14 an hour doing something in the customer service industry. I WAS making $60,000 a year, now I am asking for less than half that... but no one wants to give it to me. Doesn't anyone I know have a job they could hook me up with? I am slowly going completely insane at home. Fuck me, I just want to work and make decent pay.

My cat is sick, but the vet is busy until Thursday. I have no money to pay the vet... I hope they take credit cards.

I miss my girlfriend. She is at work.... WORK. I want to work. Cant anyone pay me $12 an hour to do SOMETHING!?! ANYTHING!?! Preferably during the day so I can see my girlfriend when she gets home from work?

PLEASE somebody?

I feel so good right now. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.

Dealing with pain of my own right now... I am ashamed that I have done so little to find a job in two and a half weeks. I have updated my resume and gotten on unemployment and taken care of many things at home that had been neglected, but I have not applied for a single job yet. I feel worthless, even as I type this. All I am doing is putting it off for another 5 minutes...

This weekend is the anniversary of the first time Anna and I realized our desperate love for each other was mutual... I think it is better than the anniversary of some lame dating proposition or first sex episode or something like so many other couples celebrate, and so what if I was dating someone else at the time? We had planned to go backpacking in the Oregon wilderness... also just my idea of romance. Maybe we still will, but yesterday Anna sunk into darkness for the first time since she started taking hormones... It happened so suddenly. She was irritable all day, but then we biked to an Italian restaurant for dinner (yep, spending money I shouldnt be) and everything seemed fine. Then we got home and she totally crashed, just curled up on the couch with her head buried in a pillow.

It took me a while to figure out what was going on. Why is she so afraid to admit that it is trans angst (Trangst, as someone put so eloquently once) that is bothering her? She says that she just hates herself, she wants so much to have the qualities she sees in me. I know she must mean the physical qualities, because she cannot be blind enough to think I exceed her in beauty in any other way than the physical. I have spent the last year, hell year and a half, trying to be more like her. So of course it has to be the body... and what do I tell her? How do I comfort her? She has to work all day, and all I can do here at home is wrack my brain trying to come up with something that will ease her pain. I have nothing... all I can do is wait...

{I would never say anything so selfish to her, but the truth is it hurts ME to think that she holds physical beauty so highly. Even if I DO have the perfect female body (SO debatable), what happens if I lose it? And what happens as I age? It is proof to me that she has me beat in the empathy department that these are the things I am thinking of as she is lying there in so much pain.}

Reading LiveJournal... everyone is posting about beauty. One trans girl who looks hotter than I do just got into prostitution so she can afford a nose job and a brow reduction. I want to scream at her! Every one else says positive things, and all I want to do is punch her right in that already-adorable nose. Another girl wonders if it is worth transitioning when she fears she will only be an ugly girl... Yeah? Its really that bad being ugly? You would rather live in the wrong gender body than be an ugly girl? Even Anna agreed yesterday that ugly girls have it bad. Apparently her work is full of attractive girls hired by the recently-divorced owner of the company. They do have ONE ugly girl though.... she works in the back, face buried in a computer. She will never be promoted.

I am not ugly, but this world is. Because I thank my lucky stars I am not... and thats so fucking wrong.


{A side story along related lines. In the transgender community, a young "girl", ftm spectrum, talks to his boyfriend about his desire to transition to male. The boyfriend tells him he should not transition to male because gender is a "construct of this level of reality" and is therefore false...... Besides, he is not attracted to males and couldnt continue the relationship. LOL, does anyone else find this funny!!! (obviously not for our young ftm, but you know what I mean) This guy is a dumbass... but I dont feel right saying that on the forum, so I will say it here.}

...I got laid off. I haven't been out of a job since I was 13. This sucks.

So for those of you who have been following my situation, I finally talked to Anna about the whole sex-crazed monster (ME) thing. It went a little something like this (NOT exact words):

ME (text message): keep this evening open, I have something I want to talk with you about.

ANNA (text message): should I be worried?

ME(text message): of course not! I am just trying to honor my promise to communicate with you when I am having a problem.

***ring ring***

ANNA: hey, whats up? you cant text something like that to me and then expect me to wait all day to find out what is going on.

ME: shit, I know. Im sorry, I just hate talking about stuff over the phone because I can never make things come out in order.

ANNA: talk to me.

ME: well, you know that I have dated men my whole life, and there has never been any, uh, um, well, lack of desire towards me........ *sniff* ....... and as much as I hate it, the truth is I seem to kind of need that validation........*sniff*........ or I dont feel good about myself....... and I know its just habit, or societal brainwashing, or whatever, but I cant seem to make it go away..... *sniff*.....and I know you cant make yourself want me, and you shouldnt have to, but........ shit....*sob*....Im sorry, hang on a minute.............*sob* .........................................*sniff*..... but it isnt just about sex, I mean it kind of is, but its also about just feeling desired......*sob*.....and I DONT anymore.....*sniff*...........


And so on. I cant type in that format anymore, it was too long of a conversation. But what happened when we started exchanging information is the good part, because I learned something I had no idea about: The reason Anna had been avoiding physical contact with me (as in, avoiding just about EVERYTHING) is because she feels like every time she kisses me, or touches me in any remotely sexual way, I ALWAYS assume that means we should have sex. She is afraid to do the stuff that matters most to her, like cuddling and kissing and light petting (which incidently, is also the stuff that matters most to me), because she does not want it to automatically lead to sex. And I have apparently been jumping her every time.... guilty as charged!

OK, so flash back to my previous relationship... Every time I so much as pinched my Ex's butt, he wanted sex, and because of that I kept him at arms length as much as I could because he literally wanted sex every day. Ironic??? The hunted has become the hunter!

Back to Anna and I, I dont want sex every day by any means... In fact once or twice a week is fantastic with me, and I could live with less. As I said in my previous post, I am not craving physical release, I am craving Anna. And the REASON I have been jumping her every time she touches me is BECAUSE she hardly ever touches me. We have been literally exacerbating each others problems in our attempts to deal with our own! She has been keeping me at arms length because I jump on her, and I have been jumping on her because she has been keeping me at arms length!!! The solution: RELAX, the sex may not come any more frequently, but the time between can be sexier without involving sex.

So how have we done so far? Last night we cuddled and kissed, and I only occasionally caught myself wanting to tear her clothes off, but instead of getting frustrated I kissed her deeply and enjoyed the warm feelings, then relaxed and let them fade away...

Then this morning I woke to her pressing her entire body against mine at about 6am, and we had hot sex until 8...

I think I can handle this.

hmmmm, anyone know if there is a way to help even out the growth?

Not that it matters really... Either it evens out or it doesnt, and if not, its easily fixable... But is there anything we can do now?

I have such a love-hate relationship with this idea of "Political Correctness".

Since I started joining trans-related groups on LJ I have often been chastised (usually politely) for using incorrect, non-PC terms and language. I have listened to all the comments, and tried to learn from them, but sometimes I get really frustrated. Politically correct terms are supposed to be terms that can be used without hurting anyone's feelings, and are supposed to support open-mindedness and empathy for all people... and yet some of the people who INSIST that everyone be PC all the time seem incredibly close-minded themselves. I have, more than once, felt like a shunned outsider in trans groups. OK, granted I am not trans, and therefore kind of am an outsider, but it still hurts.

Anyway, I got off topic. For language to be politically correct, the idea is that it will be acceptable to everyone... but it seems to me that this is impossible. For example, I have had friends who are offended if you call them "black", they prefer the term "African American." But I have had MORE friends who dislike the term "African American", and prefer to be referred to as "black." Likewise, in a recent post on the transgender forum a trans woman stated that she hated when people referred to her as "transgender" when she is actually "transsexual." My girlfriend is the opposite: she would prefer "transgender" because she feels (and I agree) that "transsexual" is so similar to the terms homo- and heterosexual that people assume it has something to do with one's sexual orientation/preference, which of course it does not.

And in the trans community specifically there seem to be layers of PC-ness... Some people refer to themselves as pre- or post-op, and others feel it is un-PC to specify. Some are offended by the term bisexual because it supports the idea of only two genders... and so on...

(((btw/ I don't want to imply that this is a phenomenon specific to the trans community... it just happens to be the "minority" community I am most familiar with, not having ever been an organized feminist, or belonging to any other minority)))

The attempt to be increasingly PC certainly has merit... but what bothers me about it is this: most people who use non politically correct terms are NOT doing it to purposely offend people. It is all well and good to say "everyone should make an effort to learn PC terms", but the truth is there are plenty of good people out there who just never thought about it. I don't think that makes them bad people, and I don't think they should be looked down on for it. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and educate them kindly if the opportunity presents itself. Cut the "PC-er than thou" bullshit... Its the same high and mighty attitude that some religious folks have... an assumption that somehow you have higher moral standards than those who are not "enlightened." It drives me crazy! It makes me want to STOP trying to be PC.

And that's my rant for today...

visited 42 states (84%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or determine the next president

Anna's boobies are sore..................................

hurrah!

...anything about the Congress discussions of transgender discrimination in the workplace?

I know they happened last Thursday, but I have not heard anything about what was said, or what, if any, progress will be made towards insuring discrimination-free workplaces.

Anyone?

I was reading over previous entries today and marveling at the differences in my relationship between then and now... I almost feel like it would make an interesting book for other partners to read. It shows a real shift in my thinking, and has a roller-coaster-like progression. It starts with big highs and big lows, and gradually levels out for the most part. About three weeks ago my journal entries became few and far between, coinciding with Anna's starting of her HRT. I think we have both been much more mellow lately, much more comfortable in our current course. The hormones have not had any huge effect yet, but the relief I think she feels at finally being on track has made for a happier Anna. We still have a long road ahead, and lots of obstacles to overcome, but right now things feel very right, and very easy.

My own self-image has had some minor hiccups as of late, with a mysterious and frustrating period of weight gain (just in time for swimsuit season!), but I am handling it okay. As I am expecting Anna's sex drive to slow down, I worry that my body image will take a dive without that validation of my attractiveness, and I want to be prepared for that by being in a shape that pleases me... so I am working on it.

My job has finally picked up, so that is another reason I have not been writing as much. Speaking of which I should really get back to it!

-h

I want to apologize to my friends for being basically inactive on LJ for the last few weeks. I have been reading everyones posts (for the most part), but just have not had the time to reply.

Life has been very busy. I had a birthday at the beach, a business trip, a family vacation, a series of trips to the vet, and a loaded work schedule. Anna and I have had... I think 6 nights without each other in the last couple of weeks. It has been hard to sleep alone.

I transitionary news... Anna's moods seem to be more consistent, though it is hard to tell because I have been away so much. In three days it will be the three week mark, and other than the usual morning crankiness she has seemed very happy. She is so soft I can hardly stop myself from touching her... not that I could stop myself before, but now it is worse (or better, depending on how you look at it!). We have been very lax in taking pictures, and I am worried that we dont have any good baseline shots, but I dont think too much can have changed by now that would be visible in a photo.

I had a great talk with my step-mother about Anna. She is concerned about offending her by continuing to call her Adam, but Anna says she would rather continue to go by Adam for now, so that is where I left it with my step-mom. It is nice that she took the initiative to ask me what Anna prefers right now... I expected to have to go to my family and request their cooperation, but instead they are ahead of the game. My step-mom and I also had a pretty long talk about all sorts of things relating to the relationship, and it concluded with a bit of "It sounds like Adam is a really exceptional person, and I am really glad you two found each other" type stuff, which is always good to hear. My family is very supportive, which is great, but it also means that I worry that they would not tell me their true opinions of my situation... Sometimes I have to dig a bit to find out what they REALLY think, but I am pleased to find that their only worries for me in my relationship with Anna are the same ones I have for myself, and have nothing to do with how Anna and I relate to each other.

I have all sorts of possibly-controversial topics that I have wanted to question everyone about, but this is already turning into a pretty long post, so I will leave that for later...

-h

I was listening to a popular Coldplay song today and was struck by the first verse. Of course they are words that could mean a hundred different things to a hundred people, but they can be made quite relevant to Anna's current situation (and mine as well).

Here is the first verse:



How long before I get in?
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide?
Before I know what it feels like?
Where to? Where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know.
How long do I have to climb,
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?


The rest is not so relevant, but still lovely. I will include them for your enjoyment...



Look up, I look up at night,
Planets are moving at the speed of light.
Climb up, up in the trees.
Every chance that you get,
is a chance you seize.
How long am I gonna stand,
with my head stuck under the sand?
I'll start before I can stop,
before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places that I found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand?

Ideas that you'll never find,
All the inventors could never design.
The buildings that you put up,
Japan and China all lit up.
The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see,
some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places that I found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah when you see it then you'll understand?

All those signs, I knew what they meant.
Some things you can invent.
Some get made, and some get sent,
Ooh?
Birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
Birds came flying from the underground,
if you could see it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll understand?



Anyway, have a nice one everyone!

...whenever I present myself in any way that makes me feel desirable?

When I think about how sexy I feel in a new outfit, the feeling is automatically tainted by the knowledge that I will be objectified when I wear it. By men, by women, by everyone... Like when, for the first time in years, I bought a shirt that showed cleavage... went to the grocery store... and got leered at by so many guys that I threw the shirt away when I got home.

Why this constant battle... Do I want to be noticed or not? Do I want people to think I am sexy or not? Is there no way that I can feel desirable without being offended that people think I am desirable? Do I have a right to be offended?

I am so much a product of my upbringing that it hurts... Mom and Dad taught me that who I am is not about how I look, but the media tells me that no one will like me if I don't display myself properly. So I swing back and forth... Today I am going to dress like a successful woman, even if I dont feel like one. By tonight I will be wishing I had more XL men's T-shirts to hide in. Next week I will consider a mini-skirt... the week after that I will swear off shorts completely. Is it about weight? Kind of... but it is also about attention. Why do I want it, why do I feel so ashamed when I get it? Why do I simultaneously hate and feel sorry for sexy women? Are they playing the game, or falling for it? Do I want to play? Or do I just want to throw stuff?

Why is it so hard to figure this out?

Anna is at the doctor's RIGHT NOW.... I tried to get my work schedule switched so I could have the morning off and go in with her, but no one could switch with me, so here I am. I hope she is not too nervous... she hates needles and of course they have to draw blood. Will she come out with a prescription? We have been led to believe she will, but I will try not to be let down if she does not. I hope she tells them everything they need to know, I hope she gets the estrogen patch, its supposed to have less side effects. I hope they give her something to help her quit smoking. I hope her insurance covers the meds. I hope she comes out feeling lighter than air. Wow! It has been an eventful week.

:D
:0
:X
>:(
:~(
:)
:P
:O
:y
:#
:\
:C
:>
;)

...and more, just in the last couple of days!!!!

breathe!

Wow! Motivated, I assume, by her impending doctor's appointment, Anna called her mom up this afternoon and spilled the beans!

Mom reacted really well, asked questions about her intentions to transition, and told Anna she was so sorry that she had had to deal with this alone for so many years. She asked about me, and whether I knew, and asked if she should tell the rest of the family. Anna told her that everyone has to know, but that she would prefer not to be flooded with calls from family members. I dont know what exactly will come of this as far as the rest of the family is concerned...... But its out!

So that was really the last milestone!!! All our friends know, my family knows, Anna's work knows, Anna's family knows, we are ready to go!!!

WooHoo!

Time for EstroFest 2008!

Often when Anna and I are discussing something trans-related, the term "feminine" is used by one or both of us, and I have found that I have difficulty describing what it means to me...

So I guess there is a spectrum of masculinity and femininity... and women and men, trans or otherwise, dont always fall where you would expect. Ok, that a given I suppose... but it seems to me that there is a difference between femininity as it is defined by society, and femininity as I experience it, which is from a biological perspective.

I guess what I am asking is this: Is femininity a social construct, or is it real? How exactly is femininity linked to female-ness? Is the percieved link between the two a social construct? Or is it a genuine connection caused by our biology and reproductive roles?

Is femininity about being drawn to pretty things, wearing pink and liking skirts? Is it about what you like... how you like to look? Is femininity related to your mannerisms? Is your level of femininity subconscious... or is it something that you can change? Are we "feminine" and "masculine" based on our personality traits?

This is a little disjointed, but I will share the most recent experience that triggered this train of thought. Anna mentioned to me that she heard that you can go to a hypnotist to "increase your femininity." At first I was a little shocked... Like, why would you want or need to have a more feminine personality? That doesn't make you more or less of a woman! Then she explained that it is to make your mannerisms more feminine, like the way you walk and stuff. Well Anna's body language has always struck me as very feminine, maybe one of the reasons she has often been mistaken for a gay man... because of the (stereotyped) perception of femininity in gay men, but I digress!

The point is, there seem to be multiple definitions, or at least multiple facets of femininity. Some, like a care-taking personality, seem like they might be truly linked to female-ness (btw/ I am not excluding transwomen here) because of the role women have played through the ages in child-rearing. Likewise having an aggressive personality might really be a masculine trait that dates back to when men were the protectors of the family unit. On the other hand, liking pink and lace seems to be more of a societal invention...

I feel like there should be a different word for these two concepts.. Like "social femininity" Vs "biological femininity" or something, but that would require figuring out which is which, and I have been giving myself a headache just contemplating this for a few minutes, so I know it is not cut and dry!

Has anyone else had this problem with defining femininity? Does anyone have a more cohesive femininity concept to share? Am I the only idiot who feels this need to differentiate?

Hi everyone, my (mtf) girlfriend just got on LJ and she has not yet been accepted into any communities, but she posted this yesterday and I wanted her to be able to share it with a larger audience in order to get some feedback so I am posting it here for her.

Cross-posted in several places...

BTW her LJ is anna_inside

*******


So I have less than a week until I begin my HRT. As I get closer to the day, I find myself taking closer notice to the things that will change. I have obviously contemplated the expected changes, but have spent little time reflecting on the attributes that will be negated. Its been so easy to look at the things I get. All the things I will be loosing, such as the ability to go topless at the river, or even open the jar of jam when its too tight, have been no great loss in my mind. Basically I am more than comfortable with the upcoming change, and believe the outcome is easily worth the losses.

The more I reflect upon these things, the more I anticipate the beginning of my physical transformation. I expected this. But I did not expect to have those realizations materialize to begin with. All of these have been long ago tackled, observed, contemplated, and decided upon. Why are they coming back? And why, realization after realization, confirmation after confirmation, do they increase as the days get shorter? Its subconscious. It comes at the strangest times. With the constant confirmation and continual re-assurement each time these arise, I should think they would stop! I want them to stop! Why dont they? Self doubt is all i can think, but how is that possible with all the confirmations? Cold feet is an answer that doesn't answer my questions.

I hope I'm not alone in this. I hope it goes away. Cold feet would give me the comfort of this awkwardness disappearing after my HRT starts to affect my actual levels. But I just cant accept that as an answer. Its like telling me 2+2=4 because it does.

******

Thoughts?

Everyone, please welcome anna_inside to LiveJournal!!!

My regular readers will remember that I struggled with whether or not I wanted to have Anna here on LJ, but after much thought I have decided that the potential benefits to her of finding a fun and interesting community to belong to outweigh any possible cost to the honesty of my writing. Plus I learned how to use the filters, =P

I dont know how much she will use it yet, but please feel free to jaunt over and introduce yourself to her. Likely you already know quite a bit about her, she also knows something of many of you.

Welcome sweetie!

In other news, Anna's doctor appointment was moved to this Thursday, so we are still waiting on that... and I had a pretty wild weekend in a not so nice way. Long story short, I got my kitten spayed on Friday, and she would stop bleeding so the vets kept her the whole weekend while I was up north visiting family. Meanwhile, back home my other cat, I am assuming in an effort to find his lost sister, pushed through a screen and escaped. Fortunately Anna found him after a few hours of frantic searching, and I picked the kitten up this morning from the vet and she is also fine. Inexplicably the two of them have been fighting all morning... hopefully this is temporary.

During the weekend my Dad and stepmom and I talked about Anna a bit, and trans issues in general a bit more. It was a good talk because I dont know if either of them were totally clear on just how soon Anna's transition is beginning, but now they know and we are all on the same page. Dad asked me if Anna would want to talk to them about it, and I said that she would probably be comfortable talking about it if they wanted to, but she would probably be okay with silence on it if they would rather do that. Knowing my family, silence will not prevail long! Hopefully Anna is okay with that... because unfortunately we are a family of discussers, and I dont see that ever changing! We talked about how similar Dad and Anna are... and how much they feel I have changed for the better since I have been with her in areas of self-confidence... All in all a much needed gabfest...

I am glad to be home though... and I promise in the future not to have so many narrative posts as I have lately!